Well what can I say about my life at this very moment in time. I have given up really but know one who sees,works or talks to me can really tell. I good at hiding how I feel. I smile and laugh when needed but deep down I feel nothing.
Last week I even tried to end it but cowardly as I am stopped at 8. All I felt was sick and dizzy and I slept quite well too that night. I woke up with the acknowledgement of having to go on if only for the sake of my mum and daughter.They would be the only people who I would hurt if I did anything silly.
I recently agreed to a divorce from my Husband of twenty years it both excites and terrifies me, mainly terrify,I mean can I really go it alone, I guess my answer is ” Yes, you have no choice.” I will have my daughter but still it is going to be hard to adjust to life as a single parent.
People who read this will just think to their selves what a silly bitch writing this. But I needed to talk to someone even if it is just on this site. How to end this entrance I am posting I not sure, I know there is a small hope for happiness in the future so I guess in my good times I’ll hold on to that thought and maybe just maybe this will help me feel less alone in this world.
I love this as it a very honest description of a person who loves being a writer but who does not mind admitting it is a very lonely job most of the time.
My life is so fucking sad. I am married to a man who only thinks of himself and tries his hardest to bring everyone down to his thoughts and feels. I have not broken yet but am coming near to it. I am stuck in a rut that I can’t get out. Too scared to walk as I been worn down to think that I am to useless to live on my own. Friends at work tell me all the time get out before you too old to care and stay with him with no care for yourself. But it is hard to go out in that big wide world, yes I would be rid of this life but also I would be alone. I know it does not make sense but I dammed if I stay and damned if I go. I wake up every morning with a heavy heart and a feeling of dread of another day ahead. Will it be a good day or bad and it is usually bad. I would have long ago given up on life and the only thing that make me happy,smile and laugh is my beautiful Meg. But she is grown up and one day will want to fly and then life will be so much like living in hell. I want to be the happy person that I once knew in the dim and distance past. Finishing now crying on the inside but always laughing on the outside.
How not to prepare to go out to get a pot noodle:
1: Do not lay in bed crying,as it makes you feel sick and have a massive headache.
2: Do not sit down and watch TV as it is harder to go and open the front door.
3: Do not get your hopes up about your favourite flavour,as not always there.
After all of the above information get up off your sofa,walk to the front door,open it,take a deep breath and try stop the sensation of feeling sick. When at your local shop buy a pot noodle,mine in the end was curry ( I had my hopes for chicken and mushroom) come back home stick kettle on and pour over and wait..
I have come to the conclusion that living with a husband with schizophrenia is not good for your health. I am really not very well at the moment but have to cover it up for the sake of the family and friends. I am in bed right now crying and have an anxiety attack,I seem to be stuck on this bed and can’t move,even though I am thirsty and want a cup of coffee. Yesterday my husband had one of his talks to me,saying he feels better and that he wanted to go to the cinema with me. Me being me said the truth saying I did not think a could go with him as I we would walk there and a back in silence. I did not tell him the truth that I can’t go out to most place without panicking and even being sick. So now he hates me even more. I hate life most of the time. The only thing this year I loved was going to see Les Miserables with my Daughter and best Friend. It was great as my friend knows London so after the show took as to a ‘Gay bar’, it was his birthday so he got a little drunk but was so funny with it.
That’s it though most of the time I feel depressed,tired and sick. I can’t do anything about it as I don’t want to rely on medicine so I will just plod on smiling when smiled at. Laughing with needed, and pretending to be happy, after all I am use to it by now.
I am lying in bed with my thumping head and soar bloody throat and feeling really lonely and tearful. I guess thats due to the virus I have got,and wish it would go away. loneliness is a horrible thing when you have hardly any friends to talk to. My best friend is my daughter she has kept me going through all that is bad in this life,one day I hope to thank you for being such a great daughter but right now if you are reading this:I love you so much my darling sweet girl and without you here I would not be here still. Boy I get depressed and soppy when I am ill !!
Please get lost virus I want to feel normal again!!