Well what can I say about my life at this very moment in time. I have given up really but know one who sees,works or talks to me can really tell. I good at hiding how I feel. I smile and laugh when needed but deep down I feel nothing.
Last week I even tried to end it but cowardly as I am stopped at 8. All I felt was sick and dizzy and I slept quite well too that night. I woke up with the acknowledgement of having to go on if only for the sake of my mum and daughter.They would be the only people who I would hurt if I did anything silly.
I recently agreed to a divorce from my Husband of twenty years it both excites and terrifies me, mainly terrify,I mean can I really go it alone, I guess my answer is ” Yes, you have no choice.” I will have my daughter but still it is going to be hard to adjust to life as a single parent.
People who read this will just think to their selves what a silly bitch writing this. But I needed to talk to someone even if it is just on this site. How to end this entrance I am posting I not sure, I know there is a small hope for happiness in the future so I guess in my good times I’ll hold on to that thought and maybe just maybe this will help me feel less alone in this world.
I love this as it a very honest description of a person who loves being a writer but who does not mind admitting it is a very lonely job most of the time.
My life is so fucking sad. I am married to a man who only thinks of himself and tries his hardest to bring everyone down to his thoughts and feels. I have not broken yet but am coming near to it. I am stuck in a rut that I can’t get out. Too scared to walk as I been worn down to think that I am to useless to live on my own. Friends at work tell me all the time get out before you too old to care and stay with him with no care for yourself. But it is hard to go out in that big wide world, yes I would be rid of this life but also I would be alone. I know it does not make sense but I dammed if I stay and damned if I go. I wake up every morning with a heavy heart and a feeling of dread of another day ahead. Will it be a good day or bad and it is usually bad. I would have long ago given up on life and the only thing that make me happy,smile and laugh is my beautiful Meg. But she is grown up and one day will want to fly and then life will be so much like living in hell. I want to be the happy person that I once knew in the dim and distance past. Finishing now crying on the inside but always laughing on the outside.
How not to prepare to go out to get a pot noodle:
1: Do not lay in bed crying,as it makes you feel sick and have a massive headache.
2: Do not sit down and watch TV as it is harder to go and open the front door.
3: Do not get your hopes up about your favourite flavour,as not always there.
After all of the above information get up off your sofa,walk to the front door,open it,take a deep breath and try stop the sensation of feeling sick. When at your local shop buy a pot noodle,mine in the end was curry ( I had my hopes for chicken and mushroom) come back home stick kettle on and pour over and wait..
I have come to the conclusion that living with a husband with schizophrenia is not good for your health. I am really not very well at the moment but have to cover it up for the sake of the family and friends. I am in bed right now crying and have an anxiety attack,I seem to be stuck on this bed and can’t move,even though I am thirsty and want a cup of coffee. Yesterday my husband had one of his talks to me,saying he feels better and that he wanted to go to the cinema with me. Me being me said the truth saying I did not think a could go with him as I we would walk there and a back in silence. I did not tell him the truth that I can’t go out to most place without panicking and even being sick. So now he hates me even more. I hate life most of the time. The only thing this year I loved was going to see Les Miserables with my Daughter and best Friend. It was great as my friend knows London so after the show took as to a ‘Gay bar’, it was his birthday so he got a little drunk but was so funny with it.
That’s it though most of the time I feel depressed,tired and sick. I can’t do anything about it as I don’t want to rely on medicine so I will just plod on smiling when smiled at. Laughing with needed, and pretending to be happy, after all I am use to it by now.
I am lying in bed with my thumping head and soar bloody throat and feeling really lonely and tearful. I guess thats due to the virus I have got,and wish it would go away. loneliness is a horrible thing when you have hardly any friends to talk to. My best friend is my daughter she has kept me going through all that is bad in this life,one day I hope to thank you for being such a great daughter but right now if you are reading this:I love you so much my darling sweet girl and without you here I would not be here still. Boy I get depressed and soppy when I am ill !!
Please get lost virus I want to feel normal again!!
A beautiful sad story.
Today We ( Steve,Me,Megs) went to the Methodist Church in Tonbridge to cook for 42 over 60 year olds. To start with about 25 potatoes needed peeling and cutting up,boy I’ll won’t be peeling a potato for a long time! Megs was a real trouper and peel 10 of the potatoes.
Then we got on to peel three dozen boiled eggs which we then mashed up with a good dollop of mayonnaise,pripaka and cress.
Now hear comes the eye smarting prep which was peeling and cutting up about 12 strong onions, try doing that without your eye make up not running!
Whilst all these were prepared Steve was making cauliflower cheese and glazing a big gammon joint with a honey and mustard glaze,the smells in the kitchen were smelling great.
I was chosen to do the pudding which was an Eton mess. Trying to find the double cream I realised Steve had used nearly all the double cream for the cauliflower cheese! Luckily I found another in the fridge and got on with beating four pints up. Crumbling two dozen meringues in was good fun big and small pieces were mixed in and two tubs of fresh raspberries. It looked really yummy.
Coming to serving up,now that was fun!! three people jostling with plates and food but managed without out dropping anything.
Five minutes rest while they stuffed their faces and then the plates collected and the naughty old people most did not eat their spouts
Eton mess time and Oh No there was not enough so I came to the rescue and found a pack of Meringues and add fruit and a dash of single cream.
Nearly over now with and just helped with collecting the plates up,with the help of Steves mum Rose( funny little thing ).
I loved working along side Steve he was so calm and that meant he managed to make Megs calm when serving the plates to the diners. I can’t wait for the next opportunity to the work along side Steve. Love u my best mate Stevie Wonder.